“Only” 22 September 27, 2012

I like being 22 because everyone is always telling me how young I am. How accomplished I am for being “only” 22. I can get away with so much more and just blame it on my youth. Any mistakes I make, risks I take or flaws I have I can easily make my age the scapegoat. And I’m sure I can get away with this for the next few years, especially because of how young I look, but I will hit an age where I “should know better.” When it’s no longer acceptable to have 3 day benders of tequila shots and sliders or to fall for the bad boy or to spend a whole paycheck on..something I can’t even remember.

I like the freedom of having all my decisions be selfish. In each moment, I can do whatever I want without being responsible to anyone or having anyone be dependent on me. If I fail or make a mess, then those problems are mine and mine alone (except for the friends who help to pick up the pieces along the way). I can live fully or not at all and not take any judgment for whichever direction I choose. I can attend every beer pong tournament, brooklyn warehouse party and after after party or sit in a dark room listening to Adele. I can make the same mistake as many times as it takes to learn the lesson. I can run late, whether I’m dressed fashionably or not.

It’s comforting to have a cushion of a number of years ahead of me. That even if I’m not exactly where I want to be in life, next year will be better – and so will all the years past that. That whatever I’ve screwed up or needs fixing in my life…well, there’s still time left for that. I’m sad to know the age will come where I feel guiltier about my choices because I’ll feel I should be at a certain place that maybe I’m not quite at yet. I want to hold on to being 22 for as long as I can. I want to jump blindly, love foolishly and make my time worth remembering.

Something Beautiful? September 12, 2012

“Seems to me those who appear to have their lives together are the lost ones while the rest end up with something beautiful.”

People get caught up in the idea of what is a put together life. They strive to make it seem that there are no flaws, hiccups or failures, but these people who have had it easy, lose the beauty that comes with struggling and fighting for something. People who so easily have the “perfect” job, relationship and living situation often lack a real substantial meaning because things just work out without inputted effort. They don’t appreciate or see how beautiful the struggle can be.

For all of us who don’t have lives that are as put together, we see things differently. We’ve experienced disappointment,  failure, heartbreak and have had lives that are confusing, messy and complicated. But these are the qualities that make what we have achieved more meaningful. Because we know how much energy we’ve put into it and the end result feels that much more worth it.

Instead of worrying about how our lives look from the outside, we actually live it. And even from the outside, if our lives seem too complex and damaged..at least we’re bettering ourselves and working towards something bigger that takes a lot of falling down before achieving. When someone is so worried about keeping up the appearance of a successful life, they lose the essential human feeling of being present in each moment. What’s most beautiful in life is being able to pick yourself up and find the right path not because life is easy, but in spite of it not being easy.

Fearlessness July 18, 2012

Over the weekend, I got a spontaneous tattoo that is the sanskrit symbol for ‘fearless’, which has led me to really think about what that means to me, as I’m sure it has a different meaning for everyone. To me, being fearless doesn’t mean not having any fears; it means being able to face what you’re afraid of. It means accepting that there are things in this world that are scary and that it might take awhile to find solutions to deal with them. Having fears is normal, it’s what makes us who we are. A lot of life is just about learning how to work around what causes us concern. Without any fears, people would think they are invincible and wouldn’t use any caution, which would be dangerous to them and the people around them. Our fears are what keeps us in line.

On that note, there must be a balance between being cautious and not living life at all. Any big life decision can be scary. Choosing any one job, apartment or partner means forgoing other options and it’s scary to make that decision because there’s no way for us to know what the outcome will be. But that uncertainty is what keeps life exciting. Deciding that an option is worth taking a risk for is what makes people passionate. Knowing that with every decision we make, there’s a likely chance that things won’t work out is one of the most distressing experience we face as flawed and always questioning humans. So to me, being fearless means taking these risks despite being scared the outcome won’t be what I want. It means feeling passionately enough about something or someone that it’s worth fighting against the doubts that can at times be crippling.

It helps to remember that I’ve made these types of jumps into the unknown before and even though all these  situations didn’t turn out how I may have hoped, I have no regrets and would much rather feel the pain from taking a risk rather than never trying. Overcoming my fears makes me feel alive, like I’m grabbing at every moment to make sure they don’t just slip away. The older I get, the more risks I’ll have to take and I hope this aspirational tattoo proves to be true; that I reach a point where I’m confident enough in myself to face a decision and choose what feels right and best, despite not being the easiest. I refuse to live in fear of failure or in fear of being wrong because that’s a weak attempt at a life well lived. To have a fulfilled and well-worn life, you have to jump blindly, take chances without panic..and be fearless.

Letting my roots grow in June 19, 2012

Growing up as an Asian-American in a world where racism still very much exists has greatly effected my outlook on who I am and how I fit into my environment. Growing up in Washington Heights and later going to college in Florida, I have definitely experienced my share of racism. Because of this, for so many years, I never identified myself with the Asian culture. I was raised in a westernized household, with the only Asian representation was in the food we ate and the annual “Happy Chinese New Year’s!” In a way, I always felt proud of this detachment from my ethnicity. People would tell me how “white” or “normal” i was compared to what they expected from an Asian, as though it was a compliment to not be a “FOB-Fresh off the boat.”

To prevent racist stereotypes from being made against me, I persistently said and did things that were not considered “Asian” such as the hobbies I chose or my tolerance for drinking. I never wanted to be affiliated with the Asian culture or other Asian people because I didn’t like to be seen in that way. I just wanted to be seen as a regular person and not just be judged for my ethnicity so I pushed away at my culture for years. My refusal to partake in my culture though has left an emptiness in me that I would like to fill..with dumplings, calligraphy and cheongsams.

Only recently have I become more interested in accepting my roots and where I come from. The older I’ve gotten, a lot of the smaller, petty problems I used to worry about so much have faded away and been replaced with an understanding of what’s important. I was so worried about being judged that I failed to see how essential it is to know and accept my past and my family’s past. In reading memoirs from Chinese writers and talking to my parents, I’ve learned a lot about the history and culture of my people and even though it all still seems so foreign to me, I’m growing to not only accept it, but also appreciate it and crave to know more. I want to know who my parent’s parents were and what provinces they came from and what dialects they spoke. I want to know the traditions, the family lines, and the dishes cooked because although all of this happened in the past, it’s in my blood and it’s a big part of who I am. I’m really looking forward to allowing this rush of culture in and maybe in finding a path to my past, I’ll see a clearer past to my future.

Pleading the Fifth June 6, 2012

There are trivial questions that I’ve oft been asked in which no answer is a good answer and the question itself  has no substantiation. In the past, I’ve always tried to supply a witty answer, but I no longer feel the need to answer such silly questions and I am here on out pleading the fifth. I’m not sure if it’s just a coincidence, but I’m almost always and exclusively asked these on first dates.

The first of these offenses is asking what my guilty pleasures are in an attempt to find out what I enjoy that I should feel bad about according to some set of subjective standards of what is or is not acceptable to partake in. I have many pleasures, none of which I feel guilty about in the slightest. I listen to Justin Bieber. I read Cosmo. I watch Jersey Shore. I have dreams about Finn Hudson.  The list goes on and on. Why should i or anyone else feel guilty about these types of things? There’s more than plenty to feel bad about and these superficial interests should not be a part of that. I feel guilty when I devour a whole bucket of fried chicken, or pay my rent late, or binge on a bottle of whiskey. Blasting JBiebs on repeat does not fit in that category.

The next of these transgressions is when I’m asked why I’m single. There is no good way to answer this. I’m sure the askers mean it as a compliment, like “you seem like a normal, nice girl. why are you single?” but I hear it more as “what are you hiding that’s wrong with you that’s causing you to be single?” I would understand this question somewhat more if I was older, but I’m only 22. THAT’S why I’m single. There’s no concrete reason.

I know these questions are not asked with ill intention, but I’ve had enough. If you are so boring that you cannot think of other more interesting questions to ask me, then we probably shouldn’t be on a date anyways.

Dear Universe, I hear you. June 1, 2012

Some days I strongly believe in fate and destiny, and other days, not so much. One idea I do consistently have faith in is that there are times when the Universe steps in and speaks to us. I believe, that for the most part, we control our day to day actions and choices, but the grand Universe, with all its infinite wisdom, often sends us messages that we should listen to and let guide our decisions. I know this is a subjective topic, but I think that there is something out there bigger than us that’s more aware of the inexplicable ongoings out there and would have a better idea of where we’re supposed to be than we know ourselves. It’s easy for people to be blinded by their hopes and goals and not see what is so clearly in front of us. During these times, some event, big or small, occurs that makes people see what they have been in denial about. Whether we act or not on what is being communicated to us is ultimately our decision.

There are examples of this all the time. One case is when we’re overstressed emotionally and our bodies physically react by shutting down, as a sign that we need to slow down and find a way to unwind. I think the cosmos have been trying to tell me something for quite some time that I have been in denial about. What started out as a whisper is now a yell and I have not wanted to listen, but now it seems unavoidable. I won’t go into details as to what it is that sparked my thinking about this, as I am sure my handful of blog readers have heard or read about my many dating woes more than enough, but regardless of the reason, this is my official declaration to the complexity of everything out there: I HEAR YOU.

I have been trying for the past few months, years actually, to force something that’s supposed to be natural and easy. The older I’ve gotten, I’ve realized that if things seem overly complicated always, then it’s not right. Whether it’s a relationship, a job, a friendship or a living situation – on some level, it just needs to be simple. Yes, from time to time there will be hiccups and problems to overcome, but they should be dispersed or caused by specific events. It just can’t be difficult consistently. When I was younger, I think I subconsciously liked the drama that came with complex situations. It made me feel alive to know I was fighting so hard for something or someone I believed so strongly in, but the older I get, I just want dependability. The more responsibility I have, the more I want to know that I’ll have a steady paycheck and a constant partner.

So I’m taking a break from trying so hard to proactively chase down this elusive dream. If something amazing pops into my life, I certainly won’t turn it down, but it’s time to take a backseat instead of leaving my foot on accelerate. I’m going to use this summer to breathe. To figure out what I want. To be retrospective and appreciate where I’ve ended up. It will be 3 months of catharsis and selfishly pursuing my own interests and sense of peace. And I’m sure, a lot of reflective blogging.

How to Leave a Legacy May 23, 2012

My dad is a theoretical physicist/oceanographer/professor at Columbia University. He has published numerous papers in important sounding journals and magazines. He has made scientific discoveries that no one else has and is well respected in his field. He has worked with some of the biggest names in physics and oceanography and now in his 60’s is still learning, teaching and adding to the world of science. The sum of all these accomplishments (and more-like raising 2 awesome daughters) is the legacy that he will leave, which has made me wonder..what will my legacy be?

I feel that working in advertising does not lead to that many opportunities to achieve something great and lasting. The work we do seems so fleeting. Facebook posts, TV commercials, e-blasts etc. These are things that people look at for a total of 10 seconds, if we’re lucky, and move on. It is only the few, great advertising masterminds that create memorable ideas. It’s not that I don’t appreciate advertising, because I do. I love a good ad that is inspiring or unique and leaves some type of impression on me..but those are few and far between. Those are done by creative or art directors, not people on the accounts side who focus on budgets, scheduling and constant streams of e-mails. What future do I really have in this advertising world? Yes, there is a path to follow where I can work my way up and my titles will sound more important and I can make a good amount of money, but I feel that there must be something bigger and better that I am meant for.

Having money and a title is not the legacy I want to leave or be remembered by. I want to do something that is helpful and inspiring, that I will feel proud of. In a way, this desire is a form of egotism. I don’t want to be forgotten when i am long gone or be remembered for superficial, surface level achievements, but this want is not entirely selfish. I really do want to create something that will leave the world a better place, whether it’s a tangible item or not. I haven’t figured out yet which path to follow to reach this, but I’m hoping it turns up soon. I know the end result will most likely not be in the science field as my dad’s is, but seeing everything he’s left to this world makes me want to search harder and risk more so that when I’m his age, my kids can feel as much pride for me as i feel for him.

This is NOT Sex and the City May 15, 2012

“There comes a point in every relationship when romance gives way to reality.”

The above quote is from Sex and the City, but I am not. What I’ve learned a lot of in the past year is how to give in to reality. Growing up has been  a process of chipping away at my idealistic visions of what life should be like and accepting how things really happen. I’ve watched a lot of Sex and the City and even though I know a lot of that show only exists in TV world, a lot of their experiences are real and have definitely happened to me and my friends. 

To be honest, there’s a part of me that feels like Carrie Bradshaw when I write these blog posts. Sometimes I hear a narrating voice in my head read out what I type and instead of sitting in my office, I imagine myself sitting in my rent-controlled apartment with shoes and stylish fashions surrounding me. But I am not Carrie Bradshaw and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be well into my 30’s living alone because I kept chasing unavailable and unattainable guys. I don’t want to spend a decade sort of but not really attempting to be with an older man who could never be 100% with me. In order to avoid this path, there are definitely some things that need to change. I’ve made a lot of mistakes similar to Carrie’s, but the difference is that I’m only 22 and I have time to make changes before I have any regrets. 

As much as I need to stop living in a Sex and the City mindset, I still love the quotes from that show and I am “looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” But I also want it to be a healthy love that doesn’t require me to move to Paris with an old Russian artist just to be missed. So I think it’s time to start letting go, which is difficult because “that which we need to let go of is often the very thing that matters most to us.” 

Offer a Helping Hand May 14, 2012

I was struck the other day by how jaded so many New Yorkers are. Being constantly surrounded by overstimulating sights, sounds and overall experiences have caused too many people to ignore everything around them. The other day, caused either by food poisoning or Norovirus, I got sick (twice) in the Prince St. train station. It was during rush hour and with the many many people passing by, only one girl stopped, handed me a few tissues and walked away. Not ONE person stopped to ask me if I was okay or if I needed help and this made me really sad. I realize that New Yorkers are always in a rush and see extreme things on a day to day basis, but to the point where basic kindness is ignored and where not 5 minutes can be taken out of someone’s busy day to offer a helping hand are things that needs to be changed.

I’m not the poster-child for always doing the right thing, but I’d like to believe that if I saw a stranger in need of help, I would stop and help. This is not meant to be a preachy post, more of an awareness of what’s going on. Maybe I haven’t always done as I’m suggesting, butt moving forward, I definitely will be more aware. It’s often easier to just walk away rather than exerting the effort to help someone else when it’s not necessary, but I do believe that what goes around comes around. If each person just tried a little harder, it would make everything a little easier for everyone. And the kindness that you put out into the world will come back to you and one day when you are the one that needs help, you can hope that a stranger will be there for you.

 

Passion vs Consistency May 7, 2012

“I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.”

This was said on a recent episode of “New Girl” and it got me thinking of the decision we often have to make between passion and consistency. From what I’ve seen, it seems most relationships fall into one of those 2 categories and it’s rare that a couple can have both these qualities. With passionate, fiery love comes drama and fighting and a roller coaster of ups and downs. With consistency comes loyalty, moderation and an overall dedication on both sides. This seems like an unfair decision we have to make. It seems a passionate situation can only be short-term because 2 people can only be so extreme for so long before burning out Even though a more moderate situation is most likely best in the long-run, it seems sad to give up the idea of that spark and fire that brings excitement and butterflies.

I’m hoping something in-between exists, but in my experience, it’s been one or the other. I guess it’s redundant to write out what I want, since I’m sure everyone wants the same thing, but I do want both. I want the thrill of being with someone who makes me feel that unexplainable fire, but who will also plan long-term, have health insurance and pay their bills on time. I want the excitement of having spontaneous adventures and intellectually stimulating late night conversations as well as the trust in knowing that one person can be counted on to be present day in and day out.

Most of all, I want to know if this exists, or at least if it exists for me. I know I’m only 22 and I probably shouldn’t worry about this as much as I do, but it’s hard not to after a string of unsuccessful first dates. It is difficult to remain optimistic about finding everything in just one person when it seems so elusive. I guess I just have the fear that a lot of people in their 20’s do. The fear of waking up in my 30’s and realizing that I still have yet to find what I’m looking for. That maybe the best I was going to get came and left and eventually I’ll have to settle knowing that the one that got away was the one I should have stayed with.